The past few days…

Recently, I haven’t been in a great place. My dad isn’t well at the moment and I’m starting to miss him a lot, and worry about him and my family. 

As a result, my whole routine is all over the place. I’ve forgotten to take my vitamins and other meds, I’m binge eating, my sleep pattern is all over the place and I have no motivation. I hate feeling this way, as it has arisen from stress, yet it causes more stress… exacerbating the problem. Such a crap vicious cycle. 

So normally I take some vitamins in the morning to make sure that I’m staying healthy, and the ironic thing is that when I’m feeling like this, I probably need to take them. I don’t feel like managing my diabetes as well, either. Dangerous I know, but I still take the majority of my insulin doses. Yet I forget because I oversleep or am preoccupied. Kind of a short point, and the tip of the iceberg. 

Secondly, binge eating. I identified this with my counsellor and it’s so strange. Normally, I eat a decently balanced diet with the right nutrients; I let myself have a little treat (everything in moderation.) But my binge eating literally spirals out of control and I just snack on crap food. Obviously I should just stop buying things like biscuits and binge items, but I’ll just get crabby and cave in. I’m not purging, it’s not something that I agree with, but binge eating in the moment makes me feel calm. And then afterwards I look (metaphorically?) at myself and feel sick. This morning was bad… I overslept and didn’t eat breakfast. Instead I had a handful of doritos, three chocolate hob nobs, some water and a bottle of lucozade sport. Flipping great🙄

I’ve always loved food and I don’t know why I turn to it during stress – thank god I’m not binge drinking alcohol. Partly because I keep and eye on it (my grandpa was an alcoholic and I’m genetically more at risk to abuse alcohol) but partly because I can’t be arsed to drink when I feel like sh*t. 

Binge eating hasn’t really affected my weight, which would just freak me out if it did. My counsellor suggested that this was because all these negative emotions (stress, anxiety, depression, helplessness) burn a lot of calories anyway. 

In addition, my sleep pattern is shot to f*ck. I’m struggling to fall asleep at night; sometimes I won’t stay asleep and sleep is disruptive and poor quality. Napping is frequent, especially days where I have at least two lectures (today I failed to attend my final lecture.) 

To top it all off, my motivation is at rock bottom. The weeks are flying by, and I’m living each day from sleep opportunity to sleep opportunity. I don’t feel like I’m progressing much with my coursework pieces; I don’t want to go to the gym; I don’t even want to shower or tidy my room. This is all antithetical to how I normally am, and it’s worrying. 
But there is a positive to all this. I don’t feel suicidal. Plus I know I’m my heart that this state is temporary and I will do things to change this state of mind:

  • I will tidy my uni room; I have tours on Wednesday of it (get paid £10 in an Amazon voucher oi oi) Something my mate Faith says is “tidy room, tidy mind” and I think having a freshness about the place could help. 
  • My next Morrisons grocery order does not contain any food like crisps and chocolate etc – I will have a ‘cleanse’ or ‘detox’ as these rich privileged people of instagram claim. In general, I’ll just eat better, and save a bit of money! 
  • I’ll talk to my nearest and dearest. This means my family (on FaceTime) and my friends who are here for me physically and at the tap of an app. 
  • I’ll force myself to go to the gym or exercise this week. 
  • I’ll also go out on Wednesday for the St. Trinians netball social. I might not drink, but I’ll go. 
  • I’ll encourage myself each little thing that I accomplish, focussing on the positives! This includes re-establishing my sleeping pattern and daily routine. 
  • And finally, I will not sleep through my next counselling session!

To anyone else going through a shit time like me, don’t beat yourself up, ok? We’ll get through this and remember that communication is key. 

Love, E❤️

Posted in Me

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