It’s been so long since I’ve posted. And I’m sorry to anyone who actually read my blog and missed me (although that’s probably not many hahahah!) Anyway, I feel like I owe an explanation to you.
My motivation to post anything on this blog hit rock bottom a few months ago. My dad had been very sick for about 18 months, with terminal cancer (in the lungs, brain, bones and kidney) and he passed away at the end of April – on St. George’s Day. It’s been an incredibly tough journey for him and it’s been so painful to watch him slip away. Before he took his last breath – which sadly I missed – his health both physically and mentally rapidly declined during the spring semester. I’m lucky that I got to say goodbye to him, as he peacefully died at home… where he wanted to go.
There aren’t enough words to describe what an amazing man my dad was and is to me; there have been some gorgeous tributes to him artistically and verbally. Tributes that I will and can look back on for a very long time. The funeral was simply amazing – he’d planned a humanist service inside a Catholic church – with readings from my brother and a recording of me singing Tears in Heaven (one of Dad’s favourite Eric Clapton songs) A wake was held on the play park, which Dad had helped to develop over the years and with the sun shining and surrounded by insane food and alcolols, the love and support of all those in attendance was felt.
Whilst things don’t seem real at the moment, I’ve returned to uni after a lovely and luxurious break away with my mum and brother (Wynyard Hall, County Durham – absolutely stunning, crazily good meals and comfy room) and trying to assimilate back into some sort of normality. Baby steps. But the love I’ve felt from my friends here has been overwhelming and beautiful. I know I need to knuckle down and attempt my exams (before resits in Summer) as I can’t let my work go to waste. Dad’d be mortified if he knew his illness and death caused me to spiral into my binge eating as a means of coping and underachieving at uni.
There will be a time when his death will really hurt me, as I’m still on autopilot and kinda numb at the moment. But I’m sorting out the mess that my life is: I’m putting me as number one, focusing on good physical and mental health (less crap, more exercise), my education, family and friendships. Blogging too, when I have the time and energy (I’ve been sleeping so much more, even though the quality is awful sometimes. It’s even worse than when dad’s oxygen condenser was whirring and pumping away all f*cking night long near my door!) I’m putting boys and unnecessary drama to one side and just dealing with things as they come.
I miss my Pops so much already, and he truly was one of my best friends, as sad as that sounds. I hope that one day I’ll have the skills and compassion to help others through such a shitty journey that brain cancer is, and death of a very close loved one. Who knows? If law doesn’t work out, I’ve got to find another vocation!