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Mental Health

The first month back at uni has been absolutely mental (pardon the pun) with so many problems and challenges surrounding me.

I suffer from SAD, which stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder. In a nutshell, this means I get really tired, depressed, hungry and demotivated due to changes in the weather, sunlight and hormones. For over four years, I’ve experienced the same shitty symptoms and had to force myself out of bed… most of the time. Last year was particularly bad when I locked myself in my room at uni for about 4 days over the weekend. I literally didn’t leave my room unless it was to use the shared bathroom and boil the kettle. I slept most of that timeframe, showered once (I normally shower every single day) and binge ate a load of crap food (one of the only times I ate a pot noodle, which I find gross. Yeah yeah, bite me) stored in my room. I watched Pokemon, shit movies and didn’t work or speak to anyone. It was honestly one of the worst experiences in my life: I felt isolated, low, disgusting.

Since my Dad died in April, I’ve felt so much more anxious about everything in my life – it hasn’t stopped me functioning, but I’m worried that it will potentially make my looming SAD worse. A relative said that because I was anticipating it, I was setting myself up for it and thus guaranteed that I would have a sh*tty winter. She also asked if I liked being sad (which just irritated me) and that all I needed to do was change my thinking. Whilst what was said is true, SAD is more complicated than just feeling depressed or anxious, it’s the environmental changes that exacerbate negative or irrational thoughts and emotions.

As always, talking about mental health helps break down the stigma and can help us who are suffering. I struggle to trust people sometimes; I have a very small handful of people who I talk to about issues when they arise, and I have no wall around them. These friends are absolutely magical and I’m so lucky that I met them. One I’ve known all my life, one a few years and another a few months: it does not matter about time here, it’s those who stick around and understand you that make things easier.

In the past, I have not found talking to professional counsellors helpful, as when I’m most vulnerable, they’re not there – and when I’m at a session, things have ironically calmed down for the time being. But that’s not to say that giving them a go is a bad thing. There are plenty of people to talk to:

My coping strategies have always involved listening to emotive and provocative music, writing fragments of songs and talking to friends. Recently, however, I have found that keeping busy, blogging and writing experiences and emotions down (without dates and names) in a a book that is solely private to me really powerful, as I don’t end up upsetting anyone else in the process, yet those thoughts are out and not bothering me.

I have also been researching into different aids, including extra (specific) vitamin supplements, meditation, blue/artificial sunlight light therapy, aromatherapy (to aid with sleeplessness) and weighted anxiety blankets. It’ll be interesting to see how these impact.

 

 

Other than SAD, anxiety etc, there have been some other issues surrounding me. A friendship that broke down due to being overly paranoid. Another seeing good friends of mine dealing with a recent suicide – a different kind of death compared to my dad’s terminal illness – which is extremely difficult to deal with. I have seen people tormenting themselves with “what ifs” (my mum too) and it’s so hard not to dwell on the hypothetical, but we’ll always do it. A word from me, is to cut yourself some slack and try not to get bogged down by it. Take a day off – I’ve written today off to focus on my mental health – and let yourself start again tomorrow. Take care of yourself, inside and out, mentally and physically.

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Fajita Seasoning

My cousins and aunt came for dinner tonight, and mum decided that fajitas would be a good shout as they’re kinda fussy (and eat like machines.) Only problem is mum ran out of fajita seasoning; I made some from scratch! It made me think how overpriced premade seasoning mixes are and how easy it is to make your own. 

Fajita Seasoning is essentially:

  • Paprika
  • Cumin
  • Salt
  • Pepper
  • Chilli powder 
  • Garlic

Other recipes suggest adding onion granules, garlic granules and cayenne pepper. As my mum didn’t have any of these in her cupboard, I used fresh garlic and onion, and swapped the cayenne for some ground coriander. 

I don’t mean to toot my own horn but toot f*ckin toot, my family loved the chicken seasoning! I’d chucked some ‘shrooms (not the magic kind🙄) and red peppers with some sliced white onions in a trusty wok. I stir fried the veg first in a little rapeseed (or canola for my friends across the pond?) oil, then transferred it into a serving bowl and then fried the diced chicken thighs in the same wok. Served it up with some grated Red Leicester cheese, Philly (we ran out of sour cream,) lettuce and wraps. All prepped and cooked in 30 minutes – Jamie O would be proud😉

So making your own seasonings is easy – it’s just a trial and error process and fiddling about with ratios. For instance a “mixed Italian Seasoning” is a mix of dried basil, oregano, thyme. And obviously there’s room for other additions like sage. 

Moroccan is cumin, cinnamon, Rose, hibiscus, coriander… 

Have a go at your own spice concoctions and let me know! 

Skin deep beauty

As a child, my mum and grandmas would tell me to look after my skin. Also, they all would be told they look younger than they are, because they took care of themselves – especially my mum and her mum… probs because they’re Chinese. Anyway, I try to look after my skin as it’s one of the important things your body has. Yeah, I look 15 because of my baby face and clear skin (but we’ll see who’s laughing in 45 years time😉)

Here’s a little info about my skin: it’s pale af. You’d expect being mixed race, I’d have this gorgeous olive tone, but I’m actually paler than my dad was hahah! It takes approximately ten minutes in the sun for me to turn a fetching shade of lobster (which makes me sore and a little… crabby🦀) So I’ve embraced my pale complexion and the multitude of nicknames that follow (Casper the Friendly Ghost etc etc.) 

My skin rarely breaks out, and I’ve never had a really bad case of acne, like my brother suffers. I get the occasional spot, but that tends to be from hormones (more like horMOANs) rather than oily skin. It’s also sensitive and I’ve found that using particular products are a nightmare for me. 

Without further ado, here’s some of the things I do to keep my skin as healthy as can be:

  • Drink water – you’ve heard this a gazillion times but man I drink 3 litres of water MINIMUM per day, plus a glass or two of juice and endless cups of herbal tea. Water is also found in veg, like cucumbers and tomatoes; the vitamins and minerals also help keep skin clear and nourished. Water, as you probably well know, flushes out toxins and dirt. 
  • Exfoliating – I keep St Ives Apricot Scrub in the shower and use it 2-3 times per week, depending on how clogged my pores feel. I try not to over exfoliate as skin is delicate – speaking of which, avoid the eyelids etc! Also by having a hot shower, my pores are opened up so they can be emptied of any gunk. 
  • Pore strips – I’ve used a couple of T-Zone’s activated charcoal nose pore strips, and yes I’m fascinated by the debris😂 there’s never loads on the strips, but they’re fun to do mid week in between face masks. 
  • Face masks – I’m a sucker for sheet masks. My friend Jing had brought me a couple of collagen ones from China, around 6 years ago and I was instantly hooked. I’ve found that Korean ones are really moisturising and won’t break the bank – you can pick them up in bodycare or on Amazon for a couple of quid. Even TK Maxx if you keep your eye out. I also love the L’Oréal clay masks to help tighten my skin (my fave is the green one!) I’ll do one face mask per week. 
  • Shower gel – I found that using products with sodium laureth sulphate dries my skin out and leaves it feeling really bumpy. After long searches on the internet, I found two UH-MAZING products: Body Shop’s Almond Milk and Honey Shower Cream, Dr Bronner Organic Castille Soap (I picked the green tea one.) Whilst they’re both kinda pricey, it means that my skin feels repaired and silky after a shower. 
  • Moisturise – I use Simple light day moisturiser on my face as it’s lightweight feel freshens me up. It’s not too oily or heavy, but really good at providing my face with the essential moisture. It doesn’t have any perfumes either, which irritates my skin (why I can use certain scrubs and body butter.) I also love body butter, particularly Soap and Glory for a zingy scent, or shea or cocoa butter based ones for a more natural smell. 
  • Temperature – I never have the air con or radiator on. Ever. Makes my skin drier than a camel’s toes. I keep a little money plant, called dickblatt, in my room to help balance the humidity in my room. I haven’t killed it yet😂
  • Balanced diet – again, obvious, but eating foods rich in vitamin e, mono/polyunsaturated fats, iron, vitamin c, omega 3 oils, folic acid and a whole host of other things helps keep break ours down to a minimum and boost that healthy glow. Exercise helps too, to increase circulation.
  • Makeup – I always take it off before bed and give my face a break from cosmetics when I’m in the house or can’t be arsed with applying makeup. I make sure I use decent products (and non animal testing) and try to use them within the use by time. Washing brushes and beauty blenders has never been a priority of mine, but I’m trying hard as it decreases the amount of lurking bacteria (and old grim makeup)
  • Chapstick – don’t forget your lips!
  • SPF – earlier I mentioned my pale pasty skin (Maybelline No. 4 Light Porcelain represent!) and its sensitivity to the sun. A few years back (in Spain) I fell asleep on the beach and woke up to burns all over my front and it was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. I try to wear at least factor 30 suncream (my fave is the Garnier invisible sprays) to protect myself in the short and long run (baaaaad UV)

So there’s lots of things to help promote healthy skin, and I’m sure there’s more I could do. But I have embraced my freckles and ivory skin tone, and I love it. My skin goes through a lot – it’s scarred and I bruise like a peach, but it shows the adventures I have. 

Take care of yourself, show yourself some love and it’ll show. Smiles and love all round,

Ellie x

I got a job!

Once upon a time, I used to work in my local gastro pub and it I loved working there. Only a short walk away, with good pay, hours and staff, I learned so much over the three years I worked there. But after it was shut down just after new year, I was officially made redundant. 

When I visited home and had to cope with watching my dad regress with the progression of his cancer, I found that going to work was a really good way to give myself some space and direction. Of course at Easter time, I didn’t have anything to do (like going to work) and was getting more frustrated at home. 

Anyway, when I’d got back to uni, I went to Yo! Sushi with Faith and Olivia and pigged out to the max- Faith and I demolished £65 of food on a blue Monday (impressive or what?!) between us. One of the best meals ever. I’d noticed how short staffed Yo seemed and asked a front of house member if there were any vacancies… after a quick conversation wth the assistant manager, I’d arranged to drop off my CV and have a chat with her that week. Cutting a long story short, I managed to land myself a job at Yo! Sushi as a front of house team member just by having a huge appetite and the guts (pardon the pun) to ask for a job. 


Two months after my official start date, I can honestly say that I’m having a ball here. My colleague have been incredibly friendly and welcoming; I’ve felt that they’ve given me invaluable advice and direction to help me here. My managers are fair and a good laugh, the chefs are so much more relaxed than at my old job. And here, I’m the baby🤣 I’m not training up 16 year olds in a stressful environment and loving the cheery and more relaxed atmosphere at Yo!

Also, let me clear one thing up: the staff perks are amazing. Free food and tasters; also I’ve taken my friends out for lunch, and had a juicy staff discount to use – totally worth it. Being part of a chain (limited company too) has meant that there are more policies and stuff in place to keep employees happy and safe. Something I found weird was when my workmates were checking “what we were on” – for target sales, which was something I never encountered before working at an independent pub. The pay is significantly better and tips too (probably because more people come in!) and I signed an official contract for the first time in my life – if you exclude the tenancy deed! 

Don’t get me wrong, I miss the pub so much back home and it is such a shame that it’s closed down. But I’m so much happier here working in the city of York, and having a job has made me so much more organised. It’s given me some drive and direction, and introduced me to so many different people. Being trained in a different place has given me confidence in my skills and ability to make them transferable, but also stopped me getting lax and able to get away with things just because I was the favourite back home (direct quote from my manager;)) Reflecting back, I had been there for three years – longer than anybody else – and worked about 30 hours a week over the summer, picking up whatever shifts I could manage. Lee, my manager, would give me first choice in which shifts I wanted and any holiday was immediately granted. We got on, I worked hard. And I plan to work hard and develop good relationships here at Yo, and continue working in my second year of uni!

I’ve written this on a break, and I’ve got to head back to serving people some seriously delicious Japanese food.

Domo, Ellie x

Trim Time

Hello my lovelies, it’s been a long time, I know:( been buried under a load of coursework and revision for my resits!

I’ve managed to pack in some lil adventures (I’ll write about these soon!) but today I’ve taken a little break to get my hair done. 


Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate,  but I’m so pleased with Stacey’s (new hairdresser) work! Not only did she manage to replicate a previous stylist’s cut, but she put her own twists into my short ‘do. She made the edges softer and a seamless blend from clipped sides and back into a longer top. Se had to guess the clipper setting (5) and managed to get it spot on. The back of my hair falls in a neat point, which feels very feminine… something my mum’s feared I’d lose with a very short trim. 

What made Stacey stand out, was her warm personality and product recommendations. She styled my hair with this awesome matt, natural-looking “punch powder” that also absorbs excess hair oil and grease like a dry shampoo. Love it, and will be buying some soon!

Honestly, I feel so much better after getting my hair done. So much less stressed thanks to a wash cut and blow dry, but it’s nice to take care of myself for once. My house is a complete mess and it’s bugging me out – there’s no bin lid which has caused so many flies, and I need to scrub everything. I’m becoming more OCD, Des Hughes style!🤣 but as soon as I’ve done my resits this week (property [boo] and obligations – Tort and contract [yaas]) I’ll be sorting it all out. Kinda sad that I’m so excited to clean😅

In the photo above you can see I’ve got a SUPER cute ear cuff (which is from Claire’s… ikr) and I’m so so so keen to get more! I want to get my left conch (so the cuff is permenant), right helix and right third lobe pierced soon. I’ve really fallen in love with silver jewellery after experimenting with gold and rose gold, and think it’s a really good match to my pale af complexion and weird undertones. (I’m mixed in undertones and race sooooo) It’s not like gold doesn’t suit me (it brings out the flecks in my dark brown eyes) but I feel that silver is daintier and more my style. 
Aaaaand back to work I go, but remember to show yourself some love. Whether this is internally or externally, it’s important to look after yourself. 

Peace out🤙🏻

Going the extra mile

There’s no doubt about it, the world is a f*cked up place. In just three months, the UK has experienced three terrorist attacks: Westminster, Manchester and (most recently) London Bridge/Borough Market. Every single day, there are people drinking dirty water, starving, smuggled into sex trafficking, dying from AIDs, malaria, cancer, suicide. The disasters that are occurring on the daily are infinite – minute and individual or the macro.

Last night, I had a really awesome outing in Leeds with a guy. We went bowling at Roxy Lanes (it’s seriously quirky) and I got thrashed due to my terrible and erratic bowling skills. TWO strikes that didn’t count because I missed the first shot. Typical me.  Anyway, we had a walk round Leeds, ate some gorgeous tapas at Ambiente (octopus, patatas y chorizo, fried goats’ cheese, olives, shrimp and crab croquettes and spicy garlic prawns (gambas)) and then went to a gig at a music bar (Oporto) to listen to a couple of incredible electronic/indie bands… kinda hard to whack a genre label on these bands, Loux and Low Island. Afterwards, we were stuck in Leeds station for a bit and decided to play a couple of tunes on a public piano. Honestly, the acoustics in Leeds train station are amazing and make everything sound so much better and have a sort of ethereal vibe to them.

This guy clearly making a huge effort to plan it all, and I seriously had an awesome time.

But as we were walking around Leeds, there were loads of homeless people around. It was so saddening that we couldn’t give something to everyone, and that these people are homeless in the first place.

I realise I have gone off on a complete tangent here, but my point is that if everyone did a little to help on the micro level, the world could start to become a better place. Yes, there are still these macro level issues and the support and love displayed in light of these atrocious events is simply overwhelming and beautiful. The Manchester One Love benefit concert (I’ve been watching highlights) was mindblowing. I was reduced to tears curled up in bed; I can’t imagine what it must have felt like to be standing in those crowds. Wouldn’t it be nice, though, to not have had the attack in the first place? Losing a loved one marks their loving and loved ones with an irrevocable emotional scar. The masses are showing their support after a tragedy – which is fantastic.

What troubles me is that the homeless heroes, such as Steven Jones and Chris Parker, have only received help themselves and recognition for their humanity because of the Manchester attack. Surely this indicates that there aren’t enough provisions for the homeless, and that these two men are only the very tip of the iceberg. Something needs to be done to help people get off the streets and have a shot at a better quality of life. I found a really provocative article by the Guardian, which is well worth a read, about the homeless and compassion. We could all do a bit to help.

It’s rewarding to go the extra mile, to see a smile on someone’s face. Even if it’s a just a small pick-me-up when someone is feeling a bit blue. More often than not, it’s the thought and gesture that means the most.

My friends have had arguments and felt that certain apologies are not sincere. Going out of your way to rectify a wrong is so important, as it demonstrates how much friendships and relationships mean to you.


Guys, I’m shattered and a bit of a frazzled, emotional mess (if I’m being honest) and my message (like my title) is to go the extra bit for someone. Even if it’s just a small thing, try and make your world positive. Hell, I’ve been drunk in a club toilet before, and honestly another drunk girl telling you you’re beautiful or seem lovely or that they like your style is lifting. But that might just be the shots;) In addition to my previous post about anxiety and depression, some kind words to someone might just make their day a little brighter. There’s so much negativity in the world, and there is positivity too… let’s continue to stand strong, be supportive and spread the love.

Anxiety?

Everybody feels anxious from time to time, but not everyone suffers from the mental health condition ‘Anxiety’. I’m definitely not trivialising anxiety by putting it in quotation marks – sorry if anyone feels like I have by accident. 

I’ve seen my friends deal with anxiety and struggle with really bad lows, panic attacks and moments where it just seems all too much. I haven’t been diagnosed with anxiety, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel anxious. I think part of the reason why I haven’t been to a professional to discuss my mental health is that I’m functioning well/as normal at present, and I’m put off by the stigma attached to the label. I do think there is merit in labelling things as it makes identifying and solving problems that little bit easier. However, sometimes things cannot be categorised due to the complex nature of mental health. And by generating more labels, more stigma, more uncertainty and divided we are in the battle against poor mental health. But good news, by talking about mental health – especially amongst men – the stigma is starting to lift. 


In the forthcoming snap election, many of the manifestos address the rising demand to deal with mental health. Good on them – have a read of this fab article, outlining the key points in a range of parties’ manifestos (not just the Tory/Labour comparisons) 

Anyway, I could go off on a tangent about politics, but I’ll save that for another time if you want to hear an opinion of an opinionated left wing female #letjunebetheendofmay😉

In the past, I had no real idea of what anxiety and depression (big links, conflicting but linked) and relied on empathy, until I was about 16.I’d just finished my GCSEs and was moving schools and couldn’t wait to leave. As I result I was feeling trapped and depressed that I was simply stuck. I tried self harming but couldn’t even do that right – do not do this ok? – and it hurt like a bitch. I couldn’t and it made me feel worse as I felt I had no outlet. I was broke, couldn’t smoke or drink (deffo a blessing) and instead felt like shit for a good few months. And eventually I moved schools, made some kickass friends and I started to feel better. I kicked out all the toxic bitches in my life (encouraged my mum to do the same months later) and kept in touch with the good eggs❤️

Legit this was how my closest friends made me feel. They still do today. Friends are family you choose and the true ones make things better. Family is also important to have your back (thanks mumma💫)
So yeah, my dad died and I think that’s triggered me to feel more anxious about change etc. I spoke to mama llama and she thinks it’s reality sinking in and to take care. 

So this morning (before 11am fml) was a disaster and it resulted in me taking a shit load of rescue remedy and crawling back between my sheets for some down time. Below is my shitty mcshit shitstorm morning:

  1. I woke up at 8 (good Hughesie) to get ready with my rad tshirt and makeup to get some routine. Wolfed down a rice pudding so I’d be on time to meet at 9 with my SLF for exam prep… only to find I don’t need to be in til 1:30 (bad Hughesie)
  2. So I had to cancel a Tescos order, due to arrive from 2-3. 
  3. Tescos man was super nice, and tried to sort stuff out for me. He couldn’t find my address and his computer crashed. 
  4. He suggested I’d sent it to an alternative address. Cue panic panic panic – not at the disco – that I’d sent £60 or so if shopping to my home address in Leicestershire. Fml. 
  5. Turns out it was being sent to York, but they couldn’t deliver at like 4. Had to cancel and now I’ll have to go out shopping during my exam prep time nooooo (or survive a freezer food diet… tempting dahling)
  6. And to top off my shakes, I’d received a text from the NHS booking me in for an unknown appointment in York. I’m unregistered in North Yorkshire, as I feel more comfortable at my home healthcare providers – I know the doctors personally and they’ve looked after me from when I was conceived. But that hasn’t stopped this appointment from being booked without my knowledge, consent or authorisation. I’ve tried calling for over half an hour and they haven’t picked up as their phones are ‘busy’. Plus, the crème de la crème of this micro disaster, is that the surgery I’m booked in at is 3 miles away, unknown to me in route and location and there’s no bloody bus. Fan-f*cking-tastic. 

The Scream, by Edvard Munch [1893] is an accurate artistic interpretation of my feelings. But face looks as impassive/O.G resting bitch face as the Mona Lisa, by Leonardo Da Vinci (not DiCaprio) [1503]
Remember that it’s important to talk about anxiety and other mental health issues. It’s difficult for an individual to cope with their personal issues and also the people around them. It’s a hard balance of being sympathetic, empathetic, caring, understanding, supportive and the practical, hard hand in dealing with it. There’s professional services and people there. 

  • Samaritans
  • NHS Choices Helpline
  • Mental Health Foundation
  • Mind
  • Counsellors
  • Young Minds
  • Mindfull

On that note, it’s fair to say I need to jump/bomb dive back into public law revision to attempt not to fail this exam. Pip pip✌🏻❤️

Posted in Me

Property Revision

I HATE revising. I hate it more than the actual exam. I hate assessments at university to be honest. To quote Donny Meg, “whoever said university was easier than A-Levels, they were talking a load of bullsh*t.”

So I’ve been PBLing the property problem and as per our SLF spends ages chatting away and going on tangents about irrelevant or obscure things. But I feel like we’ve covered most of the bases and I do appreciate/enjoy revising together. The most frustrating thing is, however, the bloody group chat pinging off every five minutes with questions that have already been asked and answered. JUST SCROLL UP GUYS! And certain people please stop flapping about the tasks, everyone is in the same boat here, sweetheart, you’re not the only one finding it hard. It just gets others more on edge and stressed. (You know who you are, discipline yourself and shut the f*ck up. Please.) – kisses, E.H., xoxox 

P.S. Also, revision is not a f*cking competition. Stop comparing yourself to others! By all means revise and check with each other (but no collusion oi oi) but don’t enforce your personal methods/volume on peers, it’s just obnoxious (or just being a prick/bell end/knob, as they say in the North.)

Anyway, the way my exams are structured is that I get material (in the form of a PBL-style problem) released to me 48hrs before the actual exam… which allows me to really focus on particular areas of law and structure potential answers to formative and normative essay style questions. But it’s hella stressful too, finding the relevant law and journal articles as well as trying to remember it all in the exam! 

I feel like I’ve done a lot today, really organised my thoughts about the exam. I made 9x A4 sides of notes about Trusts, the problem, proprietary estoppel, family law in the home, marriage, cohabitants, change in law, criticisms and theories, aims and applications of property law. I’ve highlighted TLATA 1996 and LPA 1925 for exact bits of the statute that apply to this problem, read through notes and explanations and viewed PowerPoints on lecture recapture – a very expensive subscription for many at £9000 per year. Bit of a rip off if you ask me😉 I’m kinda making a big fuss about what I’ve done because my arsewipe of a housemate criticised me for not dedicating enough of the 48hrs to actual revision. I said I was going to aim for about 20 hours of revision, but want to go to the gym and relax, have a dece night’s sleep and eat right as well. That’s really important to me, to actually look after myself and not burn out like my other housemate! But anyway, arsewipe was shocked that I was not aiming for 36 hours that he would do. But what does he know? He doesn’t sleep enough, eats sh*t food and does biomed — a completely different course and exam set up to Law. 
I’m cranky and can’t sleep, it’s 1am. I’m also lonely AF, missing my family and friends a lot. Needed to rant a little, and express how crap exams are. 

But there’s one thing to take away from all this. Just because you’re stressed about exams, doesn’t give you any right to be an arsehole to people because they’re doing the same sorry goddamn things. Instead, why not give them a hug, cup of tea (or tuna pasta salad like I did for Donny this evening) to make em feel a bit more loved during a stressful period. 

Lost

It’s been so long since I’ve posted. And I’m sorry to anyone who actually read my blog and missed me (although that’s probably not many hahahah!) Anyway, I feel like I owe an explanation to you. 

My motivation to post anything on this blog hit rock bottom a few months ago. My dad had been very sick for about 18 months, with terminal cancer (in the lungs, brain, bones and kidney) and he passed away at the end of April – on St. George’s Day. It’s been an incredibly  tough journey for him and it’s been so painful to watch him slip away. Before he took his last breath – which sadly I missed – his health both physically and mentally rapidly declined during the spring semester. I’m lucky that I got to say goodbye to him, as he peacefully died at home… where he wanted to go. 

There aren’t enough words to describe what an amazing man my dad was and is to me; there have been some gorgeous tributes to him artistically and verbally. Tributes that I will and can look back on for a very long time. The funeral was simply amazing – he’d planned a humanist service inside a Catholic church – with readings from my brother and a recording of me singing Tears in Heaven (one of Dad’s favourite Eric Clapton songs) A wake was held on the play park, which Dad had helped to develop over the years and with the sun shining and surrounded by insane food and alcolols, the love and support of all those in attendance was felt. 

My bois, who have supported me even before Dad’s diagnosis in October 2015. Some of my amazing family and friends travelled for 18hrs to be there for me. 


Whilst things don’t seem real at the moment, I’ve returned to uni after a lovely and luxurious break away with my mum and brother (Wynyard Hall, County Durham – absolutely stunning, crazily good meals and comfy room) and trying to assimilate back into some sort of normality. Baby steps. But the love I’ve felt from my friends here has been overwhelming and beautiful. I know I need to knuckle down and attempt my exams (before resits in Summer) as I can’t let my work go to waste. Dad’d be mortified if he knew his illness and death caused me to spiral into my binge eating as a means of coping and underachieving at uni. 

There will be a time when his death will really hurt me, as I’m still on autopilot and kinda numb at the moment. But I’m sorting out the mess that my life is: I’m putting me as number one, focusing on good physical and mental health (less crap, more exercise), my education, family and friendships. Blogging too, when I have the time and energy (I’ve been sleeping so much more, even though the quality is awful sometimes. It’s even worse than when dad’s oxygen condenser was whirring and pumping away all f*cking night long near my door!) I’m putting boys and unnecessary drama to one side and just dealing with things as they come. 

I miss my Pops so much already, and  he truly was one of my best friends, as sad as that sounds. I hope that one day I’ll have the skills and compassion to help others through such a shitty journey that brain cancer is, and death of a very close loved one. Who knows? If law doesn’t work out, I’ve got to find another vocation!


Love first, forever and always❤️

Posted in Me

I’M ON TOP OF THE WORLD

Oh god I’ve been so productive over these past couple of days! And I feel good

  1. FINISHED MY COURSEWORK ESSAY (public law, it’s grim… about constitutional law principles, prerogative powers, and the Miller / Brexit case) I’ve written about the operation, scope and limitations of prerogative powers – where the executive in government (Theresa May) has authority to do public acts without consulting parliament. In addition I mention key constitutional law principles – the rule of law, (nobody is above it) parliamentary sovereignty, (parliament has the last say in conflict between the executive and parliament) the  separation of powers (prevent a dictatorship) and democratic representative society and government. Finally, I’ve come to a conclusion whether the Miller case was an ordinary application of these principles. F*cking exhausting for a 1500 word essay and about 200 pages of reading and research. Umm not kidding. 😭
  2. Went on a couple of dates with C, and things are looking good. Realised just how caring (and hot) he is😂 he spontaneously decided he wanted to visit me on Thursday, and made a massive effort to impress (he also stopped over😁) He’d bought a nice bottle of Shiraz (I normally hate red wine as it’s too rich, but this was surprisingly pleasant. Ooh er and chin chin🍷 C also made a big effort to get to know my friends a little, as he’d made the effort of introducing me to his. But he also wanted to spend time with me which was so lifting that he is interested and there. I opened up to him, something I find really difficult when I care or like someone or it’s in an intimate situation, because I don’t want to hurt anyone. (This blog is different ok ok you’re most likely strangers hahaha) His hugs are still on point, and a nice change from the friendly/obligatory hugs at uni. This morning I was verbally presented with a very positive report from friends, so that’s a bonus!
  3. I made a peng lasagne – and it was packed full of veg and low fat turkey mince. Slightly burnt top, but accompanied with some refreshing coconut water and grapefruit/mint infused water, I felt like the epitome of health. (Let’s ignore the fact that I felt like I’ve eaten 1000000 bits of chocolate this week lol)😛 also been watching Jamie’s 15 Minute Meals, getting lots of inspiration for meals and major food envy😍
  4. Also made a vanilla pound cake with a lemon drizzle top🍰 Buzzing. Marv said it was 80% better than his grandma’s lemon drizzle cake; I’ll take that as praise indeed😉We couldn’t wait to dig in, so a more realistic photo was taken👌🏼
  5. Caught up on sleep and it was wonderful. I think I have finally readjusted my f*cked up sleeping pattern thanks to a combination of Pukka Night Time tea (delicious combo of lavender, oat flower, camomile and valerian root that makes you feel all relaxed and nicely sleepy)
  6. Watched OITNB (again) as relaxation, and I’m enjoying it more (addicted) the second time around (CAUSE YOOOOOU’VE, GOT, TIIIIIIIIIIIIIME😅) Also managed to convince my folks to watch it (watch this space)
  7. The other night, I had a really deep conversation with my mum, and am evermore excited to go home in a week or so. I’ve sometimes been rocky with my mum and felt she favours my younger brother (Mumma’s lil boy, whereas I’ve grown up and more and more like her ahahah help) Anyway, we talked on Facebook for ages about relationships, marriage, teenage pregnancies… I love talking about contraversial and opinionated topics in general, and I find it so fascinating to listen and contest my mum’s views – especially because she can be harsh and sweeping, but she feels it’s a generational thing… yeah right, she’s just stubborn and quick to judge (but I wouldn’t change that about my mumma as she will listen!)
  8. Went to Nando’s with my house; it’s something we love doing together and we don’t normally spend a lot of time together which is such a shame! Also had dinner Faith and Olivia – a gorgeous mix of fried plantain, coconut rice and beans and jerk chicken. Earlier in the week I’d made them my very first meatloaf – flavourful and juicy – served with broccoli and thinly sliced potatoes. Love our lil social dinners❤️
  9. Started to read Mark Haddon’s “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime” and I’m not giving away any spoilers BUT OMG IT IS GRIPPING. It’s narrated from a 15 yr old boy called Christopher with Asperger’s syndrome and the plot is rich as he pushes the boundaries of his small comfort zone in order to solve a murder mystery (of Wellington the dog, not a person.) Haddon does an amazing job of reinforcing the way Christopher’s brain works, through child like interpretations of more complex issues such as relationships and emotions, and a lack of commas (it’ll do your nut in if you’re a grammar freak like me!) to emphasise this unbroken stream of thought. Get reading guys, it’s beautiful to immerse yourself in a literary, alternative world📚

I feel like I’ve accomplished a lot over this short timeframe, which seems bloody miraculous compared to the low motivation a week or so ago… I wanna know what everyone has been up to recently! Aha this is good😁


    Enjoy this grim filtered photo of me being very happy about life😂