Today I was pushed to the point of wanting to quit my job. I’m one of the most stubborn people I know, and I refuse to be pushed out of something that I love. And honestly, I love my job – even if it is just riding me through until the end of uni. I’d already been forced out of my house at the start of March, by two of the most difficult and selfish housemates. I’m not going to be pushed out of my job.
But whilst having clashes and feeling like I’m being unnecessarily picked on at work, what really bugs me is that I’ve had such a tough year and yet I still power through. And I don’t drag my personal life into work like how this team leader does in order to gain sympathy.
Recently my beautiful friend Alice was killed in Leeds. She was one of my closest friends at sixth form – we’d go for Maccies Monday, Subway Tuesday, Picture Cafe Wednesday and then have picnics in the common room on Thursdays and Fridays. We’d giggle and bitch about life and she lit up every room she walked into. I haven’t talked about what’s happened, as such, because it’s not seemed real. I miss her so much, despite falling out of touch a little bit; we really were glued at the hip at one point!
Following that, a family friend committed suicide. I’m angry because he had a choice yet heartbroken that he had reached that dark place. I read my aunt’s tribute today on Facebook and I just crumbled a little. Suicide is such a serious issue and mental health stigma needs to be kicked – it’s horrendous that for every woman that commits suicide, four men commit suicide. That’s a staggering statistic and many believe that the need to be this macho man who doesn’t talk about feelings is partially to blame. Social media pressures, job struggles, the fact that this generation will struggle most to get on the property ladder. No wonder if gets too much for some. But there is always reason to live, and whilst I’ve felt suicidal in the past (currently I’m dealing with depression and anxiety, and doing pretty darn well at the moment, in light of the shit circumstances!) the reasons to live are that I cannot out my loved ones through any more loss. Which brings me to my next point.
It’s nearly a year since my dad died. I miss him every day and today I really needed him. This team leader previously compared my dad dying to her dad “abandoning” her, which are on two different kettles of fish. Anyway, I’m frustrated with the anniversary as there are big events being planned that aren’t considering my direct family, my dad’s mum and brothers. So we’re not taking part and instead having a get together at home and an old school movie night with snacks and classic Hughes films.
Kinda needed a rant because everything has got to me, and I need an outlet – I had forgotten how much I loved blogging until a conversation with a good friend about food journalism occurred. Watch this space x